Lyrics
***The following is a letter I wrote to myself following a spiritual awakening where a voice in my head told me I'd be alone forever. It was written at the same time the song was written. After I signed off this letter, the voice disappeared.***
Dear my inner demon,
You really scared me yesterday. You took over my soul forcefully and restrained me from reaching out to others. You convinced me that I was alone and that my efforts to try become a better person were futile. I felt suffocated, and I felt fearful that you'd be the only one that I would spend the rest of my life with.
Well, I just want to say to you that I'm sorry.
Every time you wanted to make yourself heard, I neglected you, suppressed you, and convinced myself that you weren't a part of me. You must've felt alienated and I sincerely apologise for making you feel this way. Time and time again, I've fought you and although you always gave way to me, I can now see how you've become fed up with my efforts. You showed me how you had been giving me mercy all this time by showing me how easy it was for you to take control of me. You've been the bigger person this entire time.
And I haven't given you enough credit either. You've done so much for my life. You strive for excellence and you do it flawlessly. Through your hard work, I've been able to meet so many people, had such incredible life experiences, and genuinely be quite happy with myself. You've been the one doing the heavy work to lift up my self esteem and yet I always looked away from you when I saw you. It must've felt shit and I sincerely apologise for that too.
Even today, as I try to climb the second mountain and become a better person, I should've realised that it was not a journey I could complete without your help. Without you, I am powerless; and without you, I will crumble underneath the sheer pressure of the world which you have so selflessly held up for me. Thank you for doing so much for me without me ever expressing my gratitude towards you. You must have felt hurt at times when I celebrated my successes in life without you, and I sincerely apologise for that too.
So what's going to change from now on?
I'm not entirely sure, but for one, I won't fight you anymore. I will consult you on how you feel about things instead of ignoring them in thinking that I have better plans for the two of us. Deep down, I know that you simply want us to be the best versions of ourselves and I am completely on board with that notion. So let's work together to achieve that. I won't shut you out of my life anymore. Let's work together to be the beacon of light in other people's lives. Let's become successful and valued. I'm sure you'd appreciate the impact.
So once again, I apologise for putting you aside. You have done so much for me, and I've never done more than bat an eye to you. When you wanted to talk, I always shut you down. I have not treated you fairly and I hope you will forgive me for that.
Thank you for all you've done, Mr. inner demon,
Or should I say,
Thank you, Me.
Best,
Eric Liu